I bought a book called '10 Steps to Increase Your Long Jump Record'. I thought "Well, that's cheating."
Anyone know where Haiti is? I've tried calling it, but I think it's set to vibrate.
I tried drinking from a Liverpool FC mug yesterday, but it was impossible. It kept sliding down the table.
Iraq drastically needs to reduce its car bomb footprint.
Remember those Scousers who won millions on the lottery? My shares in JD Sports have really paid off since then.
Having sex with an anorexic girl: It’s like wrestling with an unruly deckchair.
Roberto Mancini promised a new face at Man City this January. Tevez and Lescott both fought over it.
Osama Bin Laden was caught shagging a sheep in Wales. Apparently they're Islams and he can do what he wants with them.
I hear Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are having some relationship troubles. I've come up with a plan to get them in love again. First we hire them out to kill each other...................
Top tip: city councils save hundreds of pounds on signs warning of dangerous bends, simply tie a bunch of flowers to a nearby tree.
Capello's just phoned Wayne Bridge and said "I've just spoken to JT and he's lost the captain's armband. Do me a favour and have a good look under your bed for me".
My wife has just texted me asking me to 'do her' tonight. I'm not looking forward to it, I'm useless at impressions.
My wife sent me a picture earlier with 'This is what’s waiting for you when you get home'. I'm not sure if I'm getting lucky or we're having chicken.
Your Mum's so fat, when she fell down the stairs I thought Eastenders was ending.
NEWS : 'Suicide Bomber Strikes again' He is clearly not very good.
Headline taken from the Peterborough Evening Telegraph: "MPs call for jobs blow to be reversed"
I've been looking at buying a new car and I've noticed how many people insist on telling me it has a lady owner. What does that mean? That you're throwing in a shag?
I brought my kids some crayons yesterday ... It was a present to make my kin scrawl.
My wife just dumped me because I'm "The king of stupid comparisons." I feel like a bacon sandwich on chemotherapy.
Daily Mail: "Double blow for Terry as wife flees to Dubai with the children and ex-lover threatens to tell all" Come on John, it's hardly the time to be getting sucked off by a pair of hookers; you're in enough trouble as it is.
The Procrastination Society, Wishing you a very Merry Christmas.
The downfall of society... From Pebble Mill At One to Loose Women in twenty years.
