You for going out tonight? My mates going to a charity disco tonight in aid of women born without legs, shall we go? The dance floor will be crawling with fanny.
Fella buys a packet of mixed flavour condoms, Raspberry, banana etc. He says to his wife “let’s play a game, I will out one and you guess what flavour it is” she agrees. She goes under the blankets and says “cheesey Wotsits”. He says “for fucks sake, give me chance to put one on!!”
I remember fondly play time at school. A bit of footy, sneaking a quick cigarette and fingering girls behind the bike sheds. I loved that caretakers job.
Been rushed off my feet today!! Been painting the pebbles white in the garden, just in case those paki kids round the corner want a snowball fight.
With all the snow and ice on the road, the council are trying to keep the kids from walking on them. They have bought a new machine which they hope will frighten them called the Gary Gritter.
My wife says the hardest thing to do is to balance a career and a family. She’s obviously not tried balancing a laptop on her knees whilst having a wank.
A farmer wants a divorce and goes to see a lawyer, the farmer says “Oii wants to get wan of them dayvorces” Lawyer: “Do you have grounds?” Farmer: “Yes, I gots me 40 acres” Lawyer: “No you don’t understand, do you have a suit?” Farmer: “Yes, Oii wears it to church on Sundays” Lawyer: “No, I mean do you have a grudge?” Farmer: “Yes, that’w where oi parks me tractor” Lawyer: “Does your wife beat you up?” Farmer “No, we both get up at 5:30” The lawyer gets annoyed and tries one last question…..”Is your wife a nagger?” Farmer: “No, she’s white, but the babys a nagger, that’s why I want a fuckin’ dayvorce!!”
Pete and Mary were walking home from the pub. Mary says “I need a piss” and goes behind a bush and pulls her knickers down. Feeling horny, Pete puts his hand through the bush and feels something dangling between Marys legs. He jokes “have you changed your sex?”. Mary says “No, I’ve changed my mind, I’m having a shit”
My girlfriend always moans that we don’t have enough foreplay before sex. So, last night, I tied her to the bed and slipped a blindfold over her eyes. Then I lubed her minge with Strawberry jam and licked it all off for a whole hour. Or that’s what she thinks. It’s amazing what the dog will do for some pork pie jelly while I watch match of the day!!
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out his weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday". Monday , the two guys were in court; and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, Your Honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, Your Honour. I drew two circles like this..... O o ... and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge. " And you , how did you do ? " the judge asked the second guy. " Well, Your Honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?" asked the judge. " Well, I used a similar approach (he draws two circles).... o O "I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before prison......(pointing to the big circle) "this is your asshole in prison!"
